Photo by Elizabeth Esther on 8 Tooth Fairy Excuses
I am wonderful and also horrible. I’m a great mommy, a decent Santa and a fantastic Easter Bunny. But today…
I am totally contemplating outing the Tooth Fairy for good reasons, the most compelling being the fact that the Tooth Fairy (A.K.A. mom) is a major loser! I hate myself right now. I hate the Tooth Fairy too, which compounds the problem.
Two weeks ago I totally effed up, but saved myself by blaming it on TF’s inability to read coordinates.
Sommer: Here mom. It’s my tooth, you can have it.
Me: Why? (kick, kick, kicking myself in the behind)
Sommer: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come.
Me: Well, maybe she put the money under the wrong pillow, did you sleep on it? You’re supposed to sleep on it.
Sommer: It was under the pillow in my room, but I slept with Peyton in her room.
Me: Well that’s why! She got all confused! She probably looked for you and then when she didn’t find anything under you’re pillow, she just left. She should have left a note.
Sommer: Oh! (smile) Ok mommy, I’ll put it under the pillow I sleep on tonight.
Me: (Whew: Relief. I lied: Guilt. Shame: I’m going to hell for this.)
Sommer has lost three teeth in the past three weeks and only once was TF on the ball. She lost her second front tooth while I was off island.
My sister Yvette: While you were gone, Sommer lost a tooth.
Yvette: Mari gave her $3
Me: Great Mari, just great. (Since when did the Tooth Fairy pay per capita?)
Yvette: She figured one dollar for each person in the house.
Me: silence (Mari is a skinny overachiever. I hate Mari.)
Last night, Sommer lost another tooth and I reminded myself over and over again not to forget to put a dollar under her pillow. ONE DOLLAR cause it’s me, mom, Tooth Fairy Cheapskate. And, why does it have to be a financial contribution anyway? What’s with the Tooth Fairy? Are times so hard in Fairy Land that she can’t get with the program and offer something nutritional or educational? This is why the Tooth Fairy has no kids of her own.
So, I’m thinking of telling Sommer that I am the Tooth Fairy and that I suck, and being very forthcoming with my inadequacies as a collector of teeth even though I did endure the hardships of pregnancy for her. There are repercussions to doing this. I’d ruin it for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny…Taotaomona. I don’t know if I’m ready for that responsibility. It’s one thing to assume the role under false pretenses, but a completely different story when you officially take over. If Sommer knew I was Santa Claus, I couldn’t get her to behave by threatening her with giftlessness. Christmas would then be for naught, because the joy of blackmailing your children during the holidays is a mother’s most precious gift.