When I was in college and all the money I had
fanaggled (I don’t know how to spell that word and I’m too lazy to Google it) fanagled ( I just Googled it, but now I’m too lazy to edit this paragraph so you must mentally omit all this before moving on) my dad into sending me finally ran out (because I just had to buy those beige Uggs), I’d flip my apartment over for loose change then walk to the closest 7-11 to buy a 99 cent hot dog. Those were big ass hot dogs, a week’s worth of good eating. Warning: this post has nothing to do with the photo of Harry Wong. Warning: Sometimes I neglect to put my warnings at the top of my posts, so you have to stay confused for a little while before you get warned. Which now brings me to my story about all the things I hated about college. Ahem.
ALL THE THINGS I HATED ABOUT COLLEGE (Alternately entitled, Why Did You Send Me Away?)
1. The soup in the vending machine was a rip off. It was beef flavored water and if they’d marketed it properly maybe I wouldn’t have been so disappointed. It haunts me to this day. God, I miss that soup.
2. Studying. I read “Where There’s A Will, There’s An A” a bazillion times (okay once because I bought it with my own money). Then I’d spend hours studying while my friends drank beer outside. Then exam day would come and I would never be ready because I stopped studying to drink beer with my friends. I was adhering to the 15 minute study – 15 minute rest cycle, I had only enough will for a C then.
3. My car. Let me elaborate. My car which I didn’t have for a long time because my parents weren’t like everyone else’s parents. Hence the need to drink beef flavored soup in the parking lot at 9:30 pm when I was waiting for a ride home after my 3:30 pm class ended. I finally saved up for a car the year before I got pregnant and quit school. It cost me $500 and I named him Andrew, which seemed like a good name for a rusty Oldsmobile that almost never worked. Sorta like his namesake.
4. My apartments, because I had many, which also meant I had many roomates who made too much noise and laughed too loud and owned snakes and threw parties and totally messed up my mojo. Fun times, fun times. Maybe this shouldn’t be on the list. Too late.
5. Myself. I was too good for everything in college. I was too good for exams, so I didn’t show up to them because I refused to justify what I’d learned to anyone by answering some dumb questions on a sheet of paper. I was too good for my parents who didn’t understand why it was so important for me to finally spread my wings unfettered by the restrictions of small island life. Staying drunk the entire Spring Break was the only way to prove that I could see something through to completion. I was too good for me and so I sabotaged myself time and time again with the illusion that I was actually “finding myself”. More like finding my way to the nearest loser.
There’s lots more, but I’d have to unearth all the memories I worked so hard to stuff into my subconscious and that’s just not worth the anxiety that will last for days if I do. Of all the things I wasted, I most regret squandering precious time. If I had been smarter, I would have spent less time flipping off the world and more time getting shit done so I wouldn’t feel the need to flip anyone off, especially me.
There’s a happy ending. I went back to school. It took ten years between babies and full time work, but I did it. Yay, me! The moral of the story is that you never get to make up for lost time, even if you eventually get your crap together. Next thing you know, you’re 31 and lecturing your kid about sacrifices. Okay, so I’m 41.
Warning: this post is not intended to parlay any advice to college goers or lovers of beef flavored water. As the owner of this blog, I reserve the right to be